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Welcome to Universityland

from Terrarium by Paul Kotheimer

/

lyrics

Just on your right there, you will see some of our gilded climbing ivy.
It was painted by a very famous muralist and cost a zillion tax dollars.
It broadcasts wi-fi, by the way, which we invented in that building over there.
And just across the street, you might see adjuncts and their
liberal arts grad students supping porridge in their ramshackle departmental houses.
(Oh, the squalor! It’s just like Dickens.
--Wait. You have heard of Dickens, haven’t you?…
Well, you probably will… in English class.)
I think they still have English class here at Universityland!

On all those hillsides in the distance stand the various McMansions
of the assistant vice chancellor’s assistant administrative executive team. (Tra-La!)
And in those high-rise luxury campus condos live the children of some well-connected millionaires,
all hanging out and doing some, like, higher learning stuff for a few years until it’s time to get a real job or whatever …
with their top-rated, competitive, value-added, industry-recognized, esteemed, prestigious baccalaureates from (guess where!…) Universityland.

Yes, and then on GAME DAY, our venerated symbol, the chicken-feathered warrior, does the awesome sacred tail-gating dance at the historic war memorial Insta-Bank Insurance stadium complex, while the thousand-member marching band stands at the 50-yard line playing “Hail Alma Mater,” “Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder, followed by “Never Gonna Give You Up, Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna run around and desert U-niversityland.”

DUDE! We are of course a 24-hour frat party school, with beer flowing all week long in every gutter,
but don’t let that fool you. We totally do research.
We’ve researched literally everything.
And the results of our research is that our research will require
( - wait for it - ) additional funding. Generous, sustainable funding.

Which is exactly why your friends down at the Tri-Campus Alumni Care Office have reached out to you electronically.
We hope you’ll join us for our annual networking dinner/fundraiser gala and shoe-shine,
where for a small fee you can pose smiling for a selfie with some of our first-round draft choice NCAA superstar athletes
in the woody paneled, august-leather-chair comfort of the Old Student Union (which hasn’t changed one bit since the bygone days
— except for the new food court.)

So when you return to the wide open arms
of our beloved Alma Mater,
flanked as always by Learning and Labor …
we will matriculate and convocate once more —
Please swipe in your NetSecure credentials at the door
and press one to begin the online course.
Press pause at any time. Press pause again to resume.
Welcome to Universityland.

credits

from Terrarium, released March 13, 2019
Words and music by PK, based on an essay posted on social media by Prof. Terri Barnes. Piano and vocals by PK, recorded at home in the dining room. Early-stage arrangement consultation by Ralph Lewis.

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Paul Kotheimer Urbana, Illinois

For well over 30 years now, Paul Kotheimer has been writing songs. And then recording them. And then putting them together into albums.
At first, way way back in the actual 1980s, he used a cassette player and a microphone from Radio Shack. Now he's the proprietor of Pillow Monster Home Studio, complete with lots of musical instruments and recording gear and one actual pillow monster. YAY MUSIC! ... more

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